My Life as a Slightly Loud Man
by Kaworu Naha ga bisa
Summary: You're awaken as the rich relative of a really big and loud family, and you make a visit to them with your own family. Sounded wholesome enough? Well, it turned out that you also have lots of skeleton in the closet, and you were there to absolve your mistakes. For some reasons it made a wonderful adventure instead of a gruesome one.


Ah, that was some good sleep I get. Now, to look at my slightly scrapped arm and-

Hey, why did I look like cartoon?

Uh oh. The filter, the washed up color, the limb proportion...

This is a comic book universe. Once again, I got trapped in a fictional world.

At least I still had my muscles. And the lacks of big belly might be a slight solace for this problem.

Since I rarely wrote western animation's fan fiction, which means many people here probably never ever heard of me before, let me explain the gravity of this situation. I wrote several fanfictions where I turned into a fictional character in one of existing media. I have became a detective, Kakashi, a bisexual cloned girl, and a mad maniac turned good...and still kinda crazy.

And what was I doing in this luxury car again?

Oh yeah. I was going to a certain loud family with my own little family.

One lovely wife, four sons, one daughter, and one adopted chef. Okay, so that wasn't small at all. That being said, my statement was technically correct. Only two of them accompanied me to our destination. The rest had other things to do. But that's okay, they had school to do.

Well, here we were. Royal Woods, where my cousin Rita decided to bred like a bunny.

Oh. I just realize I am stuck in Loud House universe. I could only hope that it wasn't those dark Loud fic considering my job.

"So dad...you think Auntie Rita will accept our proposal?"

The question from one of my son took me back into reality.I tried my best to answer Rodney, the younger of the twin's answer that worked as architect and house builder. Luckily, despite my disorientation, I managed to give him a coherent answer: "As long as I can make it sound sincere, and Lynn don't give any objection, then Rita will more than happily accept it."

"But Uncle Lynn's intimidated by you! Even before you got yourself busy!" The car and motorcycle tuner of my family stated. Unlike Lana however, my boy Rudolph always tried his best to tidy up. I did not know how they'd interact and-

Oh. I already considered them as my children, just like the original Roger. Well at least it means bonding moment won't be awkward.

"Hey, we have to try, okay? Lynn might get scared by my appearance, but if we can explain what we're here for, I'm sure he'll agree with what we said. And besides, he's always a scaredy cat toward any family member that slightly intimidating for some reasons, so regardless of what I do, he'll always be that lovable doofus that get scared by me, or...anyone intimidating that's not Pop-Pop."

"It's all up to you, dad. But I think you should talk to Auntie Rita first so she can explains to Uncle Lynn what we're here for. It won't do good if he just keep whimpering whenever you open your mouth," I just nodded in agreement, still exhausted from being transported into a new world.

I noticed the Welcome to Royal Woods sign, and I noticed the time the clock displayed. 9 AM. Seemed like Rudy did picked the best path since we're 40 minutes earlier than projected. It didn't take long for us to park in front of the Loud House after we passed the sign. We could see a dog and a bird ran out of the door. Well, that's Cliff and Walt, alright.

"So. What do you think?"

"As messy as a house with 11 children can be," Rudy said, noticing all the scattered toys in front of the house.

"And it fit the family name. I can hear someone stepped on a cat from here. Ah, what a wonderful neighborhood."

"So things haven't change, except even messier?"

"Yup," Rodney said simply.

"Dang it! Those crazy eleven kids always make me nuts every weekends! Perhaps my lawnmower's sound is preferable to their shrieking!" the grouchy old voice, from what I assumed as Bud Grouse could be barely heard before a crashed sound came from his garage, and the man shouted something about accidentally on reverse.

"I stand corrected. Old man Grouse's even worse than what I remembered."

"I thought so. Lynn quit from his job to get more time with his children, but I never guessed he meant that Rita needed his help to maintain and keep the factory open. Stay in the car and let me handle it by myself first, okay? Only come to my aid when one of the Louds looks upset."

When I rang the bell, one of the girl (probably Lori) motioned me to wait inside the house. Soon however, the one who went to meet me was one of the only male in the house. And it wasn't Lynn Sr. "Ouch! Quit it, Cliff! I said I'm sorry!" the cat huffed before he retracted the claw from our favorite white haired boy's pants. "Hello, welcome to the Loud Residence! Can I help you, sir?"

"Are you the descendant of Albert Rowdy, the man with white hair long before he reached 50s?"

Lincoln squinted his eyes in confusion. "Pop-Pop was really born with white hair?"

"Yeah. Proud of it too. And you've grown into a fine boy, Lincoln. I remember when you were just this little baby. And don't worry about the chipped tooth; they'll be replaced sometimes in your middle school!"

"Uh..." I noticed my mistake that made everything awkward between both of us: no handshake. I grabbed his hand in a handshake, and the boy, thankfully enough, wasn't confused enough to not shaking it.

"Sorry, sorry. I just can't help myself. It's fine if you don't remember me, Lincoln. We haven't met since you were just a 15 months old baby, after all. Also, I am really nervous. Meeting with Rita face to face for first time in years somehow make my heart aching."

"Oh! You want to meet mom? She's in the wardrobe room, probably arguing with dad about his ties again. I'll go and get her. Say, what's your name..."

"Call me Uncle Roger. But don't mention it's me! I want to make it a surprise to her," ah, yes. That was too. I forgot to mention my name.

"Okay! Sorry for the mess, Uncle Roger, but it's Saturday and all my sisters are going wild at weekend. Even I get into their shenanigans!"

"Lynn! Mind your step, love, you almost broke my amplifier!"

"Oops! Sorry, Luna!" that confirmed what Lincoln just said.

After the only boy of Loud family excused himself, I noticed the incredible mess in the lounge room that made even sitting in the couch impossible. I decided to be charitable by picking the golf sticks and put them in the bag, only to find out the bottom had been torn out. It was then when I heard two almost-adult females shouting at each others. Leni probably used the bag material for one of her dress, and Lori rightfully lashed out at her astonishingly ditzy sibling.

Ah, Lori. My boys definitely remembered her as that baby with the weird head shape. Wonder what would they say when they met her grown up self. Would they thought she really cleaned up nicely, or-

"Okay, Lincoln. I wonder who is it to come into our house at weekend and need my attention and-"

"Hey, Rita," I couldn't help myself but greeted her.

"Roger," she said, but no hugging. This could be a bad thing to us. "It's been a long time."

"Yes, Ri-

"What changed? What makes you think you can expand your tiny social links that you can barely manage yourself?" ah, there was the upset tone that I expected from her.

"Rita, I know I didn't getbut...look, it's over, okay? Soon, there won't be Roger the businessman. After I finished this job, I am done with doing business with empires. There's only so much money this old man can have." I explained while I silently begged to Lincoln to leave us alone. Thankfully he got the hint and decided that Lynn needed a parkour partner.

"It is? You're going to return to your old self this time? The one who hang out with his cousins like they're best companion he could have, not the one who admitted he have barely enough time to have breakfast with his children?"

"Actually, the only one I have time anymore is my children. In fact, out of all my close people, it's only my immediate family that stayed close with me," I clarified what happened in my years as businessman.

In my early years, I had barely any time for anyone, including my family, so I decided to cut off even more time to friends and any other relatives so my children can have that time with me. It was amazing on how I managed to pull it to the point they understood and respected my decision. Unfortunately, Rita showed that I failed the rest of them. In fact, the only guys who I still knew were people that my boys brought into our activities, and I slowly realized how it sucked to see them moved on without me. I mean, this me only knew about Lucy when Rita mentioned her fifth birthday. And I shut her with a generic happy birthday before I found out about Lisa.

"Even with that, it still does not excuse your cold shoulders on me every month! And what make you think I'll take your word on still being a good dad?"

"Dad? Is everything alright? I heard Auntie Rita shouted."

"It's fine-"

"Rudy," Rita turned around to face my son. "You were one of the most honest boy that I ever know. Are you still that same boy?"

"Eh, I'm no longer that super boy scout, but I still try to keep honesty as my pedestal," I was part of the reason why he lost a little of that super idealist look, so that statement hurt me a little.

"Okay. What is your opinion on what your father have done?"

"I gotta be honest; some of his tasks are...slightly deficient in moral," ouch. We have talked about it before, but really in front of someone I had to regain?"

"Okay, one last question: did your father still give you the love you deserved, as he claimed?"

"Would I even bother to go to his aid in first run if that's not the case?"

"Pop-Pop was right. You are not a lost case," Rita said as she finally gave that hug.

"You really think low of me, didn't you?"

"Have you read any news about yourself? They made you into this monster I hardly know. Everytime I made a call to you, I had to hold myself from chewing you out, and the dam always nearly broke whenever you ended the call early."

"Well, about the news...they were half-correct." I admitted.

"Half-correct?" Rita said while demanding answers from me.

"I'm an elite version of gopher man! I do whatever job someone asked me, except it came from one of the 0.1% guy, except they were grand enough to make me rich. Sometimes it's for good, sometimes it's questionable and almost illegal, sometimes it turned out it's a part of evil scheme..."

"Sounds like a super sidekick to me. If you do both good and bad jobs, then why are we only hearing the bad part?" Rita once again demanded answer to me.

"How should I know? Maybe the bad jobs just make a better headliner, maybe the good job's hidden from public-like that for free high quality water pipe replacement job in Scottland-, maybe people didn't read the article that included stuffs like 'while Roger Rowd also did this good stuff' that implied it would be unfair to just judge me as a monster..."

"Well, maybe I'm sometimes a little indulged in the last part..." good thing Rita had enough conscience to admit the last part, although I won't blame her on that too much considering so many people did it too.

"But regardless, I do have to accept responsibility, for I never refuse a job, even if I know the one who offered that job's not a half-decent human by any stretch. It might made me a near one percent-er, but having so little time I shut myself to everyone but my kids? If my kids are turned into legitimate monster because of me, then it's not worth it, and it's already barely worth it."

"Yup. You're lucky to still have time with us, alright. That spoiled asshole Andrew's still making me shiver considering how close me and Rod become like that."

"Yeah, that's my biggest accomplishment, son. Anyway, how's your children?" I returned to Rita. "Last time I checked, you were talking about converting one of the room into a bathroom."

"They're fine. Can be overwhelming, Lynn honey sometimes can only cook the same thing for months due to budgeting, but we're good."

"Ah, it's good to hear that. You know, I remember you had a thought to stop the factory after you finally have a boy in Lincoln. What gives?"

"Well, we stopped for two years, and we just think that maybe we need that extra last child for the lucky 7. And the next thing you know, the three last children ended up as our middle children."

"Auntie Rita, I know the doctors have said that you have exceptionally powerful womb and hips, but this is something else."

"Indeed! My wife got one!" the wackier half of the marriage, Lynn Sr. appeared near us. And he gasped after he saw us. "Roger! What are you-"

"Hold it right there, nefarious businessman!"

"Lisa, put that dematerializer down! I haven't even finished reacting with him!" man, oh man. My reputation was really this bad if a 4 years old scientist who experimented on her baby sister, tried to exterminate me for everything I done.

"Do not make this threat removal difficult, paternal unit! This humanoid that I could barely call Homo Sapiens anymore have been involved in several atrocities that even I shudder at, such as pillaging in a mining town in South Africa, putting chemical components into public facilities to make them condemned, and campaign for the oxymoron plan you called, real trickle down economy!"

Lynn Sr. gasped before he shouted at me, "I cannot believe what I am hearing! We all know trickle economy never worked!"

"Okay, I should've keep my mouth shut. I talked about possibility of my father in bigger problem than even Rudy could handle, and next thing I know a 4 years old is holding him at gunpoint over economy disagreement."

Lisa slightly turned around to Rodney's direction as he walked toward us, and next thing I know my oldest twins ended up fighting her robots.

"What's wrong with you, Lisa?!" I shouted, worried over my twin children's safety enough to ignore Lisa's age.

"I once looked up the job where your employer's house razed into ground over blatant code violations that these two, who helped him, suspiciously did not notice."

"He asked for it! The guy wanted to prove excess asbestos were safe! He was dumb enough to actually put the asbestos in his car seats and only god know where else!"

"Search his record! Billy Duke had been doing dumb stuffs that will make Darwin wept for humanity! It's not our fault that he was that stubborn."

Lisa ran something through her gadget, and squinted a bit before she concluded, "You two told the truth. Assistants, convey these two out of the garden, please. I need to finish my business with their paternal figure first."

"What do you want?" I exasperatedly asked.

"If you can prove that your morality do not align with the worst of Captain Planet's villains, we might see each others on court instead of afterlife" Lisa offered to me.

"Rita, what did she accused of me again?"

"Pillaging, public facility sabotage, and creating propaganda in favor to trickle-down economy."

"YOU MONSTER!" both me and Rita only rolled our eyes at Lynn Sr.'s outburst before I addressed the issue.

"Okay, only that last part is true. I was involved in smaller schemes that turned out into one step of those atrocities. My only crime's that I still accept the job despite accepting it, and if you want to settle it on the court for the victims, then so be it. Also my brand of trickle down will guarantee that the money will really trickle."

"Explain."

"Less loopholes, more tax brackets, and balanced supply and demand via scheduled temporary tax cuts every once in a while to make sure people can buy more stuffs. In short, I make plans to make sure it's really trickled down, not off-shored into other countries to pay less taxes. And I also accounted the fact that sometimes, supply needs boost from demand. And people need more than saving for that demand."

Lisa lowered her weapon a little. "That make surprisingly some sense. But regardless of that, your participation in those bad things need to be considered, and I am afraid our prison system's not adequate enough." I wanted to tell her to drop the weapon, but frankly she had her goal set in.

"Lisa, he's just their fixer and gopher! And he now swore to be more selective in his job!"

"Ha! I do not have any shred of confidence in his sincerity! But if you insist, maternal unit, there is one item that can calculate the sincerity of someone."

"Lisa, we can settle this on court!", Rod screamed while the robots held him. "Just let us have some words with your parents so we can leave and-"

"Do it."

"I suppose you have nothing to lose, then? Heh. Fine. I'll conduct this reading," Lisa said as she showed a small remote-like gadget on me. "But don't be surprised when you cannot even exceed 20% in this, mister. Let's see... 94% confidence in sincerity?"

"Wow! That's a very high number!" Lynn said, which I agreed considering I still kept something from them.

"The honesty...this is unlike what I imagined. But wait, sometimes scientific calculation need to be proven more, so in this situation, I need to exhaust all options, including an unscientific method. How is your emotional reaction toward his appearance, maternal figure?" somehow, I could see her resolve cracking, despite her expression still barely surprised.

"Eh, I'm just glad my cousin's finally back into my life again. He's also very sincere, if we consider that he admitted his faults to my face. And finally, Pop-Pop also said he's still the same cousin that I know, so he's not gone fully before. I'm just glad that I could see him again."

"Then...I'm usually not impervious to emotion, but...WAAAAAHAHAHAAAA!" Lisa's waterfall of tears made its appearance, and thankfully none of us got wet from it.

"Wow. It's very rare to see Lisa acts like a 4 years old," Lynn Sr. said, which made his wife rolled her eyes.

"She's very sorry, Roger," I already wanted to console her, but thanks for the nudge.

"There, there little one. I already forgive all your accusations, baseless or not," I said as I patted her head.

"We also forgive you for nearly killed us with your robots." my twins hugged the little girl who still cried like a river's waterfall.

"You do not understand! My resentment toward you have made me decided that I won't be involved in anything related to you! All those rejected contracts, all those calls from your most intelligent male offspring unit that I have ignored..."

"Wait a minute. Are you telling me that Richard's been trying to contact you to make a collaboration?" I asked, surprised that someone in my immediate family actually made some contact with the Loud. I knew Rudy and Rodney were in contact with fellow Rowds like Pop-Pop, but Richard and Lisa? Why would Lisa asked him? Richard's a very great genius, but his field was much more limited, mostly on neuroscience and neurology. Lisa was about... everything not philosophical.

"Y...yes. But thanks to publications that revealed some of your less than admirable actions, or at least that's what they postulated, I have adamantly refused to collaborate with him. Oh, I should have read the whole articles even if they're non-scientific. So many progress being halted..." I had no word to say, and neither did my sons.

"I only have one more question; why's his sincerity only 94%?" Lynn Sr. asked to her daughter. She blew her nostrils before she managed to stammer an answer.

"Do not have to worry, father. That 6% only means there are subjects he still hesitated to explain. Something so shameful they should be keep to himself. And 85%'s actually the base honesty threshold. For people with exceedingly low confidence or bravery, it could be as low as 70%."

"Then I have no objection: welcome back, Roger!" Lynn Sr. hugged me tightly, and if I wasn't well-built, he probably would've make me unable to breath.

"What's all the ruckus," and here come the eldest daughter-woah! Lori looked so gorgeous in my eyes! Actually she looked the same like the show, but she was registered as a fine looking young adult to my brain. No wonder there were like four admirers of her.

"Whoa! Lori. You...really changed," Rodney said with a blush. Unlike what would happen in fanfics, he won't be turned into a Clyde...I hope.

"Dad, this is worse than meeting Helena again after four years. I still remember Lori used to be this conehead baby, and now she's on the way to become Royal Wood goddess!" Rudy quietly whispered to me.

"If you want me to make your meeting with your now beautiful cousin less awkward, I noticed the make-up that's heavier than it looks, and several stitches on her chin, so it's not all natural," I whispered back.

"Oh. So it's all plastic?" Rodney without any tact asked. Sometimes I was glad that people who met him at his ruder moments just took him as weird rather than asshole.

"No, more like she went through abnormality removals. This is your same cousin that have webbed toes, remember?"

"Hey! I heard you talking about something weird, make-up and removal, literally and clearly! What are you three talking about?"

Ups. I hoped Lori wasn't in state to take everything too literally, but it seemed like "During our way here I was joking about how you used to be this baby with weird head and webbed toes," Lori's furious head shot to her back where the rest of the siblings, who just joined us, snickered, "so we all wondered what would Lori looked after 10 years. And...come on, guys. Explain what you think about Lori," I tapped Rudy's back, as any good parent would do.

"You really grew up, Lori-ergh, I mean, uh...I can't believe you are the same Lori." Lori tapped her foot against the flustered Rudy. "Do I really have to say it? It's...kinda awkward"

"You became such a pretty girl, that we're shocked to see you," Rodney took over.

"Yeah. Basically that."

"Oh. Well, thank you! I don't get it much from people, so thanks for telling me that." if I was your age, I would tell them to get their eyes checked. Also, I couldn't believe this means Clyde had a taste.

"Hey! You look familiar, but I couldn't tell why," Lynn Jr. as as she pointed her finger at me.

"I'm your uncle, and the last time you saw me was at 3 years old, so your memory mostly will be blurry."

"Oh! So you're our uncle? It's nice to see you, then!" she greeted me before she grinned. The ponytailed girl then tried to pin me to the ground, only to fell like hitting a brick wall. "Whoa! You're tough! Working out much?"

"Five times a week," I answered, and the girl's eyes glittered in amazement. If she met my bodybuilder son Ruben and my cyclist daughter Renee, who also secret agent in-training, will she combust?

"Oh! Are you our cousins, then? Totes nice to see you!" a certain dumb blonde greeted my sons.

"Gah! There's two of them!" well, Leni was also gorgeous, but you should be more specific, Rudy. It could make a bad impression like-

"Well, if you're talking about the twin, then I must be much better looking than her!" uh oh. Lola must be in not speaking term with Lana when her intonation's really that vile.

"Oh yeah? At least I don't need my big sister to untangle my hair!"

"Why you-" the twins started to fight, and a certain goth sighed. As in, she said sigh literally. The walking baby only laughed at the twin before she farted. It was so nasty even Lana had to stop.

"Guys, guys! We have three visitors here, and you keep fighting over the cereal?" the twins huffed after Lori admonished them before they turned around from each others.

"So, uh...care for a tour?" Lincoln offered.

"Yeah, we need to get reacquainted, guys. For one, there's five girls we haven't met before, and there's also many changes happened here; while we all knew Lynn would be a strong girl, we didn't know that Luna would be inspired into a rockstar."

"Yeah! She made a big change years ago, you could say it's a really hard and noisy turn! Hahahaha!"

"I also have questions regarding Luan's sense of humor," I nudged Rodney hard enough for that comment; sometimes the big fella needs someone to remind him about his mouth.

* * *

After hearing about the state of family (such as Luna's taste change in music and Lucy's macabre interests), we looked into the garage. All but Luna and Lana were consoling Lisa, since her assistant robot asked them to stop her cries and drop of self-worth.

"And here's the garage! Most of time it's my place to rock, but today's one of the time I want to test my equipment in the hall."

"You play everything, Luna?" Rod asked.

"Yup! And my violin skill's still smoking, so if you ask me before, then yes, I still don't forget how to play classic."

"Well, if you play both metal and rock, you can try that symphony metal genre for once."

"Already considered."

"I can't believe you guys still have the old relic, the Vanzilla! Here I thought it's already falling apart," Rudy said, probably not listening to the whole genre thing.

"Yup. If Lisa's here, she would say something about how she replaced parts of it with her own spare part. Sadly bro, it rarely work as intended. We even think it's haunted because the spare part always rust quickly unless she used titanium or synthetic materials that mimic its properties."

Damn, the old fossil was really that bad? "Then why haven't you got a new van?"

"We once bought a new van, but alas my ego get so big I ended up loving my car over my own immediate family. So I got this baby back, and we're happier than ever!"

Ladies and Gentlemen, if we have the poster child of broken aesop, it would be this. "Uh, Lynn."

"Yes?"

"You know you can just buy a new van, keep Vanzilla in your memory, and don't get yourself so absurdly attached to your car, right?"

Both Rita and Lynn Sr. reddened from hearing that simple solution of mine. "I...never thought of that. But even with that, Loud family tradition..."

"Don't worry, I'll keep this classic in my garage in case you want to give it to Lincoln in the future. You get yourself a new car while my boy repair this classic as close as its prime. You up to it, Rudy? Can you fix the Loud family classic?"

"Uh, I don't know, dad. If it's really from the second generation, it could mean rebuild everything from the scratch. It's not that I can't do it, but it's going to take several months if it's really that old."

"Oh, you don't have to worry! Let me show you every broken part so you can start fixing it!" Lana shooed off everyone so they could start. Luna also said that with the tour finished, she had to join the others in consoling their genius sibling.

"Now Rodney, do you think there's anything wrong with the house?"

"The garage's fine, although I would like for a storage to sort out all the mess here. Any complain Uncle? Auntie?"

"With Lily getting older, and a chance that Leni's not going to the university, we probably need a second bathroom."

My son's eyes twitched, and frankly I couldn't blame him after hearing what Rita said. "S...second bathroom? There's thirteen people living here, and you only have one?"

"Anything wrong with that?" Lynn, with all his simpleton wisdom asked, and both Rita and I facepalmed.

"Forget about two bathroom; you need three, maybe even four of them. I'll bunk to the car, making several plans for this house. Hell, we may even need to build a fourth floor. And the chemical toilets are our last option; it's an eyesore to you, it's an extra chore to clean them, and still don't address the bath hygiene issue," he said as he walked off. We then decided to walk to the house and get stuffs done.

"Well, now we have resolved the car problem, Rod's there drawing plans for the house, and the girls are consoling Lisa, can we talk about my job here? I'd like to know what gone wrong in this city, what problems the kids have, and whether there's one unique problem I have to expect. Also if you have some question, then yes, my boss's project is also backed by government, so some of the job will go to the departments."

"Oh, there's nothing we know, at least for the grown-ups. You may need to ask to the Mayor for that. But, uh...are you here for the children too?"

"Including the children stuffs," I clarified.

"Oh. Well, I don't know if this apply to everyone, but I feel like at least Lori, Lynn Jr. and Lincoln have faced bullying issue in places they go. Lincoln and Lynn once went into football club because the opposing team bullied both of them out of nowhere, for example."

"Lynn? The one who bench-pressed 40 pounds as a toddler?" I asked. While I already know the middle man episode, this reality me only knew Lynn Jr. as the strongest toddler he ever seen, so I had to keep my facade.

"Well, she's only standing at average height, so she looked like an easy target before everyone know how physical she could be. And due to these, Lori and Lynn sometimes looked insecure, deep down. And Lincoln seemed like he just...expected it sometimes," that was just sad.

"I see. I'm going to see if Richard can do something about them while adding bullying issue as a problem in this city. I think we can go with that program when from your own complains it's already this bad."

"Is it okay for you to take care of more personal problems like this? I mean, there's probably more, but I don't know if it's proper," like Luan's psychopathy behavior in April 1st?

"Rita, we have all the time in the world to making up. And Lynn, why are you looking so intense?"

"Oh? Eh, nothing. I'm just...checking our plans, to see if I could fit the schedule and the money and...Okay. Do you know a good plan for car loan?"

"Lynn, if you're truly in bad shape, I know a colleague of mine who sell vans and indebted to me. I can even make him sell it at you for half a price. Or free of six months payment, if you want to pay monthly."

"Thanks, Roger. But I think I can get the car just by myself and..." Lynn Sr. went to check his financial book again, and he ended with blank stare from his two eyes. "Uh, I think we're going to need this colleague of yours. We just got our first profitable month in my new restaurant, so our wallet are rather...thin."

"Lynn, after avoiding so many people for a decade, even Rita, this is the least I could do." I wanted to say that he finally sucked up his pride, but that won't do any good to this reconciliation attempt.

* * *

"Jeez, you should've sell this thing years ago. The maintenance alone's going to be astronomical if you need to keep it on top shape all the time. I mean, you can only get so much with all these improvisation! I never see someone put all these strings just to keep the pedals on position."

"Yeah, we tried to buy one before. But dad turned into a jerk after he bought Veronica. So much that we wanted this green monster back. In hindsight, we should've tell him it's his fault, not the car." said the girl as she unbolt the cap of the engine that threatened to fall out two weeks ago.

"Well we did stupid things here and there, so don't put yourself down from that mistake." said Rudy as he joined Lana's engine inspection. "A turbo this big? In this old van?"

"It won't go above 30 mph without it," Rudy just shrugged, thought it was not usual considering they had Lisa. However, he was taken by the next thing.

"I...is that gum in the place for the friction disc?"

"Not just normal gum!" Lana took the gum from the clutch before she spread it apart, not noticing the disgust in her fellow mechanic's face. "These are Lisa's super gum, strong enough to last for months! I initially asked her to make me one in my gum craze, but one day, when I failed to find the parts for the clutch, I used this for the broken disc, and it's still working!"

The young adult looked up to the ceiling, almost like he had to compose himself, before he blurted, "Lana, I can't fix this car at condition like this."

"What? What's wrong with the filth? They're fun!"

"I just like to keep my workshop as clean as possible. Also, I need to see just how truly bad the car's condition is, and the filth are going to distract me and my stomach. Girl, you scrub out the nastiest part. I'll handle the rest of it."

"Geez, fine," Lana said as she peeled off the every part that she thought looked the nastiest, at least stuffs even she slightly couldn't stomach. "You know, I never see a mechanic that dislike the dirty parts like you."

"Well, if we want to keep it real, I must say that actually, I don't mind the grease. But you can only have so much filth before they start to harm you."

"How about mud?"

"I like playing in mud. Especially if I'm going fishing," Rudy admitted.

"So why you like being clean?" Lana got a little interested. Never she met a mechanic who wanted to look pristine all the time, and it turned out that there was one who had a slightly high standard in being clean. And his still existent interest in dirt made him look like a complex being in her eyes.

"Just because I like to play in something dirty, that doesn't mean I like being dirty all the time," Lana only shrugged at his explanation and started to fiddling around the broken part, including the radiator that had Lisa's super coolant installed because the thing now actually betrayed its purpose by producing more heat.

"The car's no longer close to the original, right?" Rudy asked as he fiddled around Vanzilla's body kit, which was miraculously stay intact. He decided to leave it alone due to possibility that it stayed like that due to the gum.

"Uh huh. None of the spare part is produced anymore, and dad's often tried to fix things by himself. Mom got brought into it too sometimes. The house's sometimes in shamble because their fix attempt sometimes backfired. And Vanzilla, well..."

"I understand, Lana. Say, show me the best thing you and that genius Lisa concocted. That is, unless she thought the rest of her siblings are inadequate in handling her intelligence."

"Oh! We made one together!" Lana then happily showed the transmission box for the car. "Ta-daa! Our own CVT transmission!"

"Hmm. I don't recall some of this in normal CVT transmission."

"Indeed! This is homemade, remember? Much more durable than even normal automatic transmission. And free too, considering the two mechanics are in the house!" the girl boasted.

"Even the materials?"

"Especially the materials!" Lana happily answered, not caring for the fact that the material almost got Lisa into trouble with RDECOM due to the similarity with their own incomplete project. However, the girl's shoulder slumped as she remembered the flaw of it. "But since we can't get a suitable engine swap, the only thing it had is the durability."

"And that engine's what an experienced mechanic could pull for you," the man boasted before something took his interest. "Hey, what does this button do?"

"DON'T TOUCH THAT! IT'S FOR-"

Alas, it was too late.

"The reverse race mode..."

* * *

"Well, seems like we're going to have Veronica 2.2 since the new model for that van was just released. Honey, you will reminds me when I got too attached with our new van, right?"

"Of course, sweetie. Say, what do you think of this franchising plan by Roger?"

"Franchising? Eh, I don't know honey. We don't have much money left," I understood his hesitation, but I wanted the woman to have a way to remember us. Alas, it was time for her to go.

"Don't worry, Nadia, our chef may want to apart from us soon. Amicably, of course. Nadia's almost as good as you, and she can do cabbage casserole."

"She can do that dish?! Oh boy! I start to like this plan! But, eh..."

I slightly chuckled at Lynn Sr.'s come and go enthusiasm. "Don't worry, we won't do that until sometime in the near future. Just finish the installments for the car, and-"

"DAAAAAAD!"

"Rudy?!

"Lana?!" all of us ran outside, and got a very nasty serving into our reality.

That crappy green van went into reverse at 30 miles per hours.

What the hell's going on here?

"The brake doesn't work again! HEEEELP!"

"We're coming, Lana! Hit the gas, Rod!" Lynn Sr. shook Rod who was drawing something in our car. And I emphasized was, because he was flabbergasted by the scene in front of him.

"Uh? What's going-"

"Don't ask, just drive!"

"We're coming, twin sis!"

"Love, we're behind you!"

"Lincoln, you're coming with us! We need to make"

"I'm coming, I'm coming!"

While Lynn shook my other son off his daze, Lola, Lori, Lincoln and Luna entered the backseat, leaving the rest of us behind, wondering what the hell just happened.

"Did I miss something?" Lynn Jr. asked while the remaining Loud Siblings appeared.

"Rudy somehow turned Vanzilla into a reverse monster!"

"Dang it! I knew I shouldn't subtitute the transmission with my own handmade CVT system!" everyone, included me looked at Lisa with flabbergasted look. "Don't put the accountability at me, it's Lana who asked it first."

"You can't dodge your responsibility, nor you can reverse it! Hahaha! Get it?" even at this time, Luan still could joke about it.

"Don't worry much, Roger! We forgot to fill the tank this week! The car's not going to be far from here...I hope," Rita tried to placate me.

"Except Rudy's not that good at reverse steering..." a phone call that belonged to my phone interrupted the awkward moment. It was my wife. "What is it, Lois?"

_"Honey, are you okay? Listen, Ren and our guards just caught several of those Marco guys planting bombs around our house and Richard's lab."_

"The guy who failed to extort the old man because of me! They tried to get you?"

_"Yeah, don't worry, honey. The old man just send his reinforcement team to help you. But you three need to be careful; we heard that some of them also come for you guys, and one of Rudy's car had been bugged, so it's possible you guys got it. Nothing too sophisticated though, Ren and Richard already drew the instruction to disable it. I'll send it to you. You are still in the traffic, right? Go to the rest area and take it off."  
_

Fuck. "Okay honey. Be safe."

_"Roger?" _I closed the phone before I rubbed my sweaty temple, hoped that she did not asking too much based on my shaky voice.

"Rita! You have a motorcycle here?" as I feared, Rita shook her head. "If any of them decided to get Rodney while they went to get Vanzilla, everyone will be hurt by several mafia looking to hurt me."

"Unfortunately, we don't. And I believe the lawnmower won't be fast enough to catch them in time. But we have the next most reliable thing," Lisa said as she pointed to somewhere.

The answer made me question her sanity.

"Uh, Lisa. I know you and Lana somehow placed a gasoline engine in that toy car, but I'd rather have the lawnmower."

"Don't worry, it will be sufficient to catch them. Especially with the additional parts from our server robot," after Lisa's explanation we got to see what she was talking about. And oh boy, she really delivered.

With lightning fast speed, her robot disassembled itself while the pink toy car started to shed off its pink body. It then merged into one with said car's frame, and both of them turned into one being. Soon it reassemble itself into one entirely different thing.

A military exoskeleton, almost 7 feet tall.

"Exoskeleton MX-555 included an expansion pack for the engine and KRS system, increasing its output power by up to 150 horsepower. With weight of only 110 kilograms, this transportation of the future for military is just as swift as a superbike."

"Why haven't we see this hot stuff before, Lisa?" said Lynn Jr. as she went to rub every part of the exoskeleton.

"MX-555's alpha stage can only be used by someone with sufficient core power, and with how our father figure and brother Lincoln have been interested with Science-fiction shows, I cannot risk them jeopardize their own spine's health by toying with it before I make it...more friendly for normal human's usage. Say our distant extended male family member, normally I need to adjust the output power based on your core muscles such as Gluteus maximus and Quadratus lumborum, but alas body scan is not possible with our timeframe, so we need to use another measure. How much can you do in a deadlift?"

She should've said how much I lift since the start... "Uh, 420 pounds? Also, my bench is 290 pounds."

"Then I'll set the maximum strength output at 25,25%. At least it's doubled the minimum 12% output," I whistled. No wonder Lisa wanted to wait the revelation for this thing if it needed an ogre to operate it at full strength.

"Lisa, what are those seats for? I like the dark color, by the way," Lucy noticed at the two seated extensions that made the exoskeleton looked far bulkier than it should be.

"Oh, these? They are for additional occupant for any occasion that require additional person, like a sidecar. But since they will do nothing but impair your mobility, I will have to remove them from the current configuration."

"Hey, wait a minute! I want to help too!" shouted Lynn Jr.

"Yeah! I totes want to help, even though I can't see how driving backward's that bad. I did that in my thirty test, and I only crashed the car into Mr. Grouse's shed!" I gave her a look for what she just said. "What? At least I didn't dump the car to the pool again. Three's the curse, right? Or...was it the charm?"

"Regardless, this three person configuration is not properly tested even in the simulation..."

"Please?" all the two put their adorable look, which really worked to my psyche, but their scientist prodigy of a sister just sighed in annoyance.

"Fine. I'll grab some helmets." I blinked before I realized that it wasn't a fun ride.

"Wait a minute, kids. I'm not going out in a fun exoskeleton test ride. I'm going to save our family from my sworn enemy that may take your family in crossfire. This is big stuff, dangerous."

"Yeah, but Stinkoln'll do the same to us!"

"Totes!"

"Rita?" she only shook her head as sign that these two were too headstrong to accept my rejection. "Okay, more is merrier, after all."

"Hooray!"

"But don't engage directly, okay? Snipe them with slingshot or something."

"Good suggestion, our extended male family member, but I already take measures in it," said the scientific genius who returned with two unique looking helmets and a slingshot.

"Hey! That's not my bike helmet!" Lisa just sighed at Lynn Jr.'s outburst.

"Do I really have to explain everything? They're made specifically for full protection of the additional occupants. Your bike helmet is insufficient for this ride. This helmet, on the other hand, will cover your whole body with impact cushion when it projected an incoming impact."

"I don't understand, but if it means better protection, then I accept it!" Lynn wore the helmet, and she shouted cool as some kind of material started to cover her body.

"Uh, Lisa? My weapon slots are empty, except for the cuff."

"They're not available in the alpha stage. I'll get the disintegrator ray. It's what I envisioned for the project in the first place."

"Uh, I would like for no murder today, Lisa," I objected.

"Fine. I'll see what I can get. But in case nothing could help, my other sisters may have something to help," wait, what?

"Sigh. I'll get the bats. Make sure to retrieve them again. They're not mine, by the way. They're just friends of Fangs."

"While at it, you better get Lynn's too, sis! Get it?" Lucy only groaned in response. "For me, I have one very nasty squirt flower! It's not filled with water, but with Lisa's special paper spray! It will do as a needed distraction." I nodded, and the comedian went to her room. And as they went to retrieve their supporting weapon, I went to wear the damn thing.

"Poo-poo!" Lily farted loudly, suggested that she offered her...poop, which I rejected. I already had enough shares of improvised weapons, thank you.

"Your bats," Lucy shoved her bats into one of the box for throwing weapon, "and Lynn's bat," Lynn took the baseball bat from her roommate's hand while said gothic roommate glared at Luan who just arrived. Her poetry side probably made her extra loathed the bad pun.

"One nasty trick, coming right up!" Luan delivered her trick to me. "I wanted to give the acid version, but it might be too rancid! Get it?"

"I have this electric cattle prod for you. But for your safety, I insist for you to carry the disintegrator," Lisa said, and she did not look like she accepted any negative answer.

"Fine. Last resort only."

"Last resort only. You're ready to go?"

"Totes!"

"Yeah!"

"Well, to infinity, and beyond!" wait, did Lisa just referenced-

AAAAGH! I CAN FEEL MY BRAIN DROPPING ON MY FEET!

* * *

"Gah! Talk about taking eat my dust quote so literally," Luan made a pun while Lily giggled at her sister's misery.

"Sigh. That exoskeleton is surprisingly cool, and I really like the aesthetics of the helmet. I think I have another interest that's not involving anything grim."

"What is that other interest, Lucy?"

"Uh, Hugh?" Lucy smirked a fake smile that looked even worse than Lisa's; the goth girl didn't want them to know that Princess Pony thing. Lincoln's sacrifice shall not be wasted.

"I hope it's safe," Rita muttered.

"Do not need to worry, maternal unit. As long as they don't need to make a quick turn, they will be fine," everybody turned around to stare at Lisa. "What? I said its three-people configuration is not well tested even in simulator."

* * *

Okay, as long as we all could make a quick turn, everything would be okay and-

Oh shit.

"LISTEN! THE SIDESTEP MECHANISM'S NOT WORKING 100%, SO I NEED YOU TO HELP ME STEER THIS THING!"

"BUT I CAN'T DRIVE! AND LYNN IS TOO YOUNG TO DO THAT!"

"I THINK HE MEANT SOMETHING ELSE, LENI!"

"YES! I'M STILL IN CONTROL OF THIS THING! YOU JUST NEED TO HELP ME! LEAN YOUR BODY LEFT WHEN I SAY LEFT, AND LEAN RIGHT WHEN I SAY RIGHT!"

"BUT I CAN'T GET ANY LEANER, UNCLE!"

STUPID! STUPID! "DANCE TO THE RIGHT WHEN I SAY RIGHT, AND WHEN I SAY LEFT DANCE YOUR BODY TO THE LEFT!"

"OH! I GOT IT!"

"GOOD! BECAUSE THERE'S A CAR 30 METERS AHEAD! RIGHT!"

"UGH!"

"WOO!"

"LEFT AND RIGHT!"

"ERGH!"

"YEAH! THIS IS FUN, UNCLE!"

"I HAVE TO ADMIT, LENI! IT IS FUN!"

"LEFT! WHY THE HELL THERE'S SO MANY PEOPLE PARK THEIR CAR ON THE ROAD?!"

* * *

The first thing he saw was a fainted girl beside him. There was no blood pouring from any part of her body, so Lana did not suffer from any major injury. He'd bank it on minor concussion at most.

The second thing? Someone pointed a gun at the van. And several men surrounded his own car not far from the car crash area.

Rudy found himself unable to move much, still weakened by the crash and his unconsciousness state, and the panic froze his feet. All he could hope was for a miracle.

As if that wasn't enough, he started to see the familiar look of an Italian man with small scar in his cheek. He confirmed it by saying those words:

"Good night, sweet prince."

The mechanic gasped. There were very few select people who knew his embarrassing nickname there, as only those said select few knew anything about that Shakespeare drama disaster.

"P...Pietro?"

"One and only. I wanted to do this since a long time ago," the former friend answered, his sickening grin never left his face. The soon to be dead man wanted to know what turned him into a vengeance path, but none occurred to him. All he hoped was someone to avenge himself after his death

And a flying baseball bat ended up smashed Pietro's leg, made the assassin screamed as his aim went somewhere up the sky instead.

"Bullseye! We're here, guys!"

* * *

"Good job, Lynn! Okay, I already dropped Leni to stop traffic from that part and cause more chaos. You go check the Vanzilla and cuff the shooter!" well, I think Leni almost passed out from the 'dances', so her dropped on the road with that sidecar would make people actually stopped for once. Good thing the helmet also ended up covered her

Lynn got disengaged from me, and she propelled forward with the help of a rocket from the sidecar. The guys tried to shoot Lynn, but the helmet and sidecar protected her. Good thing they were made by Lisa. She stopped in instant just before she crashed into the car, and the flipped sidecar protected her further.

With the borrowed slingshot, I took an aim at one of the gun to stop one of them from shooting at Lynn, and it also distracted the other gunner. I delivered a punch for said distracted guy into his gut, and he ended up backflipping after he hit the trunk of the car first. The other guy tried to grab his gun first, but the squirt flower gave him a nasty fit before he could get it. I kicked him with a low-powered kick. It propelled him to the wall. Ouch. I just hoped it didn't break...too much things for them.

"Father!" I looked at the Vanzilla, and I saw a hidden mafia took an aim at Lynn. I accelerated just in time to give him a jaw-breaking punch. I looked at Lynn's direction to see what she's doing and-

"Pietro?" I was shocked. I knew the face of some of Rudy's classmates, and this guy was one of the more distinguishable man from them. To see one of his friend became a criminal...

"Surrender! Or these two will bit the bullet!" crap. There's another two hidden mafia members? If only I didn't get distracted by the familiar face...

"Okay, okay! Just leave them alone, and let me talk to you out of here!" I said as I walked toward them. Good thing they didn't notice much of Lynn cuffed the guy, or else it would make it

"Mike, grab his son," his colleague obeyed and grabbed my son while pointed his gun at him. Bastard. He was almost as big as Rod and Rudy too. "If you do something to us, one of your son will have a bullet in his skull."

"Our job's to make sure that your life end here. If you cooperate with us, we won't look for bonus from our Don by ending your immediate family as well."

"I understand the situation. But if I can make an offer-"

"What could be so much better than ending the life of Marco's sworn enemy?" he sneered.

"You see what I am wearing here? You won't even find this thing in military's secret bases. I know your boss also have his own R&D team, and he could use this suit to smooth out his work and made that team have more purpose than as expensive hobby."

"You sure about that, dad? I don't want the...guy who made this disintegrate you."

"I know what I am doing, Rod," thankfully, Rod knew to not imply anyone. You won't find too many super intelligent kindergarten kid even in the best part of USA.

"Very well. If we're satisfied, you'll be our prisoner instead."

"Okay then. Some more months of life is better than nothing, I guess. But first, I guess you two need some test drive? Don't worry, I don't have any lethal weapon in this suit," aside from the disintegrator, but I don't want to use it on them even after all of this.

"Fine. Show us how you get out of that suit," they're smart. But they didn't know that I hold all the cards here.

"Well, it needs more than one step. It's in alpha-stage, after all. It's not working as much as intended. So first, I need to pull this-"

They screamed out from the swarm of bats that attacked them, and the disoriented mobsters made an easy target for my fists.

"Everyone okay?"

Lynn Sr. checked out the guy who got punted into the wall. "Somehow he survived it."

"This guy too," Lori added after she checked the other guy.

"You rocked out the world of this guy more than he could take, alright," Luna confirmed the hidden assassin's unconscious state. Also, somehow she imitated Luan there.

"Leni's fine," Lincoln said, only for us to hear the dumb sister barfed before he confirmed that at least she's not hurt.

"How about Lana?!"

"She's waking up," the princess of the family started to ran at Vanzilla as she cried.

"I'm glad. We need as much words from these guys as possible. And Rod, Ren and Richard said he found the tracker in one of our car. Check the schematics from your message."

"Okay, dad," Rod started to walk, to the car, and Lynn Sr. approached me.

"I never face this kind of problem before. What now? Should we get a witness protection?! They saw our faces on the car, after all!"

"As long as the prosecution of these mobsters working as the justice system intended, we won't need to do that. But in case you're really afraid of it, I suggest we're living together for a while," I suggested.

"What?! But our house's already full!"

"You're right. Especially since my intention is to get my security to protect your family as well. But I'm taking only yes as an answer."

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm following your logic here?"

"Lynn. Do you know someone who sell mansion around here?"

* * *

Well, that concluded it.

After reading so many Loud House fics, I am slightly disturbed that so many people have disturbing imagination made out of the show (I'm looking at you, Flagg) so I decided to make a parody of this tendency myself. Not that I didn't enjoy the stories, but I thought the comedies would be on bigger catalogue, and even I found several grim works in the comedy category.

Also, the story will be kinda like Regular Show, where mundane stuff ended up gone bonkers by the climax of the episode. However it's scaled down into somewhere between usual Loud House shenanigans and Regular Show insanity, so there won't be things like, said, removal of the Loud Residence from reality after a failed tax fillings.


End file.
